I’m tired.

I’m tired of myself. Like extremely tired of myself. I really don’t know what I can do anymore. I really hate myself for being like this. I tried my extreme best to help all of you and I meant it, extreme best. One thing that I did very wrong was putting myself as if the problem was mine, it’s just my nature, my personality, my problem, my incapability of being a perfect friend all of you ever dreamed of. 

I can guarantee you that I’m not that kind of friend you need in life. I’m the type to pray for you secretly, and when you need help, if I could help, I will do my best to help you. If you need someone to talk to, I will be there for you, if I could do it. But if you want someone who you want to go every cafes in town, every shopping malls just to walk around, I’m sorry I may not be the suitable one. 

First of all, I’m not financially independent. So I tried my level best not to spend too much. Second of all, I’m really really not a fan to shop around, very highly likely because of the first reason. If I have my own money, I have no problem spending them. Do I need to screenshot my bank account balance to tell you all how desperate I am that I can’t go anywhere? Really? 

I’m also not someone who will purposefully find people for no reason. I may be a bad friend, worse friend and shittiest friend on earth, but really, what can be said when there’s nothing common to talk about in the first place? Actors? Actresses? Kpop? Nothing, and really nothing in common. Even if I don’t find you all 24/7, doesn’t mean you all are not important to me. Do I have to contact you all 24/7?

Yeah, I know I don’t initiate conversation. If I treat you alone like this, then it’s really unfair of me to treat you that way. But ask around. I don’t even initiate conversation with my own bf. Does that mean that I love him less? 

LONG STORY SHORT!

I’m heartbroken over the fact that, all these years, I’ve put you above everything else, even my exams. Even during exams I am consoling you. I didn't tell you, sorry I am having exam now I can’t talk to you. Never once. When you have problem with ur bf, he/they will find me, even during my working hours I had to talk on the phone to console him to calm down and all. AND THEN, you telling me that you had enough of me and that you have been patient with me that all these years and that’s why we didn’t argue. Do you know how I felt? “So this is how you felt for me, secretly, and yet I was the one thinking that this is a healthy friendship”. I really don’t like to force people to befriend me. I wish everyone happiness, but if being my friend is so tiring then I’ll let go. This is me. If you are tired for all these years, even if we befriend each other again, it will still be the same. You said everytime you have to ask me if wanna go your house during CNY period. You didn’t know I have reserved morning/afternoon of 2nd day of CNY for you. Do you know that 2nd day of CNY is my mother’s side family’s reunion day? Knowing that I have the closest relationship with all of them, and yet I’m still willing to share that important day with you. After dinner I still accompany you out for dinner. And yet, I’ve never complained. I’m doing it willingly and happily. Others I will plan another day, even Bryan will come on the 3rd or 4th day. What else you wanna complain? These are just part of the things, there’s still other things that I’ve done. But do I really need to list them down to make it obvious for you? Really? I made no effort? I really don’t know what you told your parents and your friends. I hate explaining myself. If you know me well, then you’ll know what I’d do and what I’d not do. So, really, just hate me all you want. If that really makes you feel better, stronger, happier, go ahead, bitch me and hate me. I really don’t want to explain everything and make it like your fault or my fault. I don’t want to explain everything like I’m making excuses for myself. I have no excuse. I am me and that’s me. 

And most of all is, I am afraid to even utter a word to you. I have yet to say anything to you, and you’re already with the suicide threats. If I said all these to you, I don’t know if you can take it, you know me? So I remained silent. But, you on the other hand kept adding fuel to the fire and make things worse and to a point of no return. And I was to be blamed. 

I can take all the blames, if that makes you happier, if that makes you feel better. If one needs to be sacrificed, then let it be me. I can’t give back a daughter, so, if anything were to happen, please it be me. 

I swear I really can’t handle suicide threats. I’ve thought of committing suicide during the period when you said you wanna suicide. I felt helpless to the point that I should not be living. 

To be honest, when you all came to me all at once, I almost fell myself. If I didn’t take a break from everything, I guess the very final goodbye you all were to said was when I was lying in the coffin, buried in the ground. I’m not as strong as you all claimed, as positive as you all feel, but I tried everyday to live my life happily. If it was not for Day6, I guess I would not have found back myself. 

Last but not least, let’s stop this. Saying who’s worse than who would not help clearing the situation. Live for yourself, claim back yourself. You don’t need anyone to be able to live, you just need yourself. Since you said you’ve been suffering for a friend like me, then please, live a happy life and be a stronger person.